Inviting Grief In

I read somewhere that grief should be invited in to learn from. I couldn’t agree with that idea more. Particularly because I spent a good part of my life denying it access to my psyche. So what can we learn from such a perplexing emotion? First and foremost, it is the great equalizer. No matter your wealth, education or status, grief will come knocking.

As a child, my grief was connected to loss of home. We moved to Florida from California when I was very young. The sadness of that chased me for years. As for personal loss of a loved one, that would not touch me until later on in life. As an adult, I have lost beloved pets, my father, grandparents and one of my dearest friends. Each experience unique and devastating in their own ways.

I lost my father (March of 2008) and grandfather (November of 2007) both to cancer one after the other. Losing these important figures in my life left me reeling. I was thirty years old and felt like the weight of each loss was crushing me. My father and I were very close. It didn’t start that way, but in his last years, he became more than just my dad; he was my best friend. He was the one I would call when I got a raise, when a boy broke my heart, when the Raiders won. Losing him created a deep wound, one that I can still feel the sting of to this day. A few months later, I met someone recommended by a friend to help me cope. That person was Reiki Master and Medium, Reverend Ann DeCouer. Ann opened my eyes to the power of reiki and spirit communication. With her help, I slowly allowed myself to experience grief in a positive way. I began to let go of my dad, to find acceptance that we would not listen to the blues together again, we would not watch another fight together on HBO, no walking me down the aisle, no meeting my children. I learned that I could talk to him freely, that I could just reach out and ask him to stay close. Mostly I would get all of my answers through Ann, he would find a way to reply and she would send me messages and gave me confirmation that he was truly listening.

I found that spirit communication was an essential part of my grief process. Reiki also became an indelible part of healing. I healed my heart, my mind and my body. The grief I carried had been carrying was heavy and it affected me physically. I gained and lost weight like a yo-yo. I was abusing myself with drugs and alcohol. I had to learn to release the grief not only emotionally, mentally, and physically but also, metaphysically! It was through Ann’s guidance that I became confident in trusting my intuition. I chose my life over my heartache.

For over a decade Ann and I remained very close friends. We worked together on projects that ranged from house blessings, ghost hunting in Casadaga, getting readings from other mediums to teaching and hosting events. Those days are forever tattooed on my heart. In October of 2019, I attended a sound bath with Ann at Crystal Vision (crazy how life intersects). She told me she hadn’t been feeling well and that she was going to have some tests run. We lost her one year later to cancer. Losing one of my best friends to death was not something I was prepared for, particularly through a pandemic. The grief was a valley of pain, it came at me with the sharpest of teeth. I knew I would lose her someday since Ann was twenty-eight years older than me. I expected her to age and likely pass before me, but I thought that wouldn’t happen for a long time. Not at the prime of her life. She had just hit her stride with her Reiki/Mediumship practice. She had her own 501C(3), she was enjoying her retirement with her husband and getting to watch her grandchildren grow up and was a great-grandma. To say losing Ann was unfair is an understatement. She was my mentor, my dearest friend. I could not say goodbye, I could not hold her hand. In that last day, I only had the ability to text her phone and have her daughter read the messages before she passed.

Later, I realized that my grief was compounded by the fact that losing her also meant losing what I had perceived to be my only link to my father. I spent the next two years in a dark place. I got married without Ann (and my dad), I lost my reiki practice. I refused to get readings from other mediums. I would not go to Casadaga or any type of psychic/ spiritualist event. I just couldn’t do it without her.

In January of 2023, I finally got the message (from Spirit of course) and booked a reading with Dr. Patricia Bell of Lilydale. She could sense my grief and how it laid across my shoulders like an immovable weight. Immediately Dr. Bell described an energy that was dancing through the small room in a wild spectrum of color and light. I knew it was her. Dr. Bell had brought forth Ann, who of course asked “where is your reiki?” She made me realize that I had been stifling myself with grief. I wasn’t using it, learning from it. I was stuck in it. The grief of losing my friend who knew me so well, who cared for me like a mother, who taught me so much - was immeasurable and it was kicking my ass. Immediately after our session, I took several pieces of advice that Dr. Bell gave me, the first being, sign up for a Reiki course! The other, acupuncture to release the grief that my body was holding so tightly.

In February 2023 I started my first formal Reiki course at Crystal Vision/Loving Touch Center and acupuncture with Susan Mitchell, AP. With time and effort, my grief began to unravel. My heart felt a little more whole. My body a little less consumed. What I realized is that my grief was not only tied to Ann’s physical body/mind/soul but it meant I was finally letting go of all the adventures we would never have. Letting go of how it was all supposed to be. I also learned how to use my own gifts to connect with spirit and to my father.

I tell you all of this because grief doesn’t come with instructions. Whether it be the death of a person, a pet, a relationship, a career, I believe the most important part of managing it is ultimately finding the courage to face it. The greatest honor I can bestow on my father, my loved ones, on Ann, is to continue to celebrate them. To tell you about them, to tell my son about them. To never allow their memories to harden in my heart. I will continue to attempt to decode the mysteries of loss and grief through the path laid for me by those that have moved on - my hope is to be able to share all that I know with you.

So, when she knocks, invite GRIEF in. She offers wisdom and lessons. Embrace her presence to guide your journey of understanding and healing.