Saying “NO” and the Price of Peace
No. It’s my favorite word, phrase, sentence, statement. I say “no” a lot now. I didn’t for a long time, except maybe to my parents. In high school it was yes to skipping school, yes to getting drunk instead of studying, yes to a lot of things I should have said no to. As an adult, yes to men, yes to bosses, yes to bad decisions regardless of consequences. It took me a while to get to a comfortable place with “no”. Lately I find myself saying no to more than just invitations or opportunities. I say no to issues, triggers and situations that will drain me of whatever peace I hold for myself.
Does it cost me? yes. Disappointing people I care for costs me. Is it worth it? absolutely. Contrary to what some may believe, I was not whittled out of ice. I do feel bad when I have to let someone down or deny them my time, my energy. What it would cost me to relinquish my peace is so much greater. People will forgive you, they will give you grace. Something I’m currently struggling with is a major change that is happening within my family circle. This change will greatly impact my son. Emotions are high and very complicated. To avoid rage texting or hurting anyone’s feelings, I have opted to stay silent, to not engage. While this might seem counterintuitive, I know for my own sanity, it’s the best thing I can do for all involved.
Ultimately it comes down to several things. First, what can I contribute to this conversation? And will acting out or speaking up change the outcome? The answer to both questions is most likely, no! While I want to save my son from any pain, I have to step aside and allow this change to play itself out. I need to do what Mel Robbins suggests, “Let Them”. I need to let the people involved make the changes they feel they need to make. I need to let them do so without my input (or my blessing). I am staying in a place of no and it’s hard. It’s hard to keep my big mouth shut, I’m not going to lie about that! It’s really tough to feel like things are slipping away and out of my control. What would be worse is if I acted on my anger, just let it fly and with that - there goes my peace. EVERY.SINGLE.OUNCE.OF.IT.
If you find yourself here, in an uncomfortable space, stay and sit with it. Stay long enough to consider the benefits and consequences of the role you play, of your involvement, etc. Go with your gut and say NO. What does your peace cost? For me, it’s invaluable. Calculating the cost of your peace is something I highly recommend doing, check in with yourself on this. You can do so with small exercises. Say no to easy things like a dinner with friends you know you won’t be able to make. Say no to your spouse or your child for something that you know can easily be delayed, something harmless. See how people around you react. If they are shocked, you may want to reevaluate how available you are to others. How much do you do for others without anything in return? The more available you make yourself to other people/places/circumstances, the less you are available to yourself. The less peace you have.
Practice no. Practice peace.
