It’s Just a Phase
New years day is just around the corner and there is one thing that I intend to relinquish to 2024, imposter syndrome.
I spent too many years molding myself to what was needed, what was expected. My expectation for 2025 is to stand in the light of the torches I have learned to lean into. I find myself incredibly proud to be able to say that I have been a dedicated witch for exactly 30 years on January 25, 2025. It does not escape me that it also happens to be the same day where every planet will be in alignment.
A bit of history: As a kid I loved the color black and would fight my mother tooth and nail to be allowed to wear it. I collected rocks, sticks and flowers from the garden. I wrote and read poetry. In retrospect, I was already a witch! I just didn’t know what to call it, I didn’t have the vernacular. I was obsessed with The Wizard of Oz but it didn’t feed me what I needed. I was terrified of the flying monkeys, the Wicked Witch was ugly and Galinda was just a fairy in my eyes (regardless of her “good witch” routine). Wicked redeemed it all for me but that’s a conversation for another day. Everything changed after I watched a made-for-TV movie called “Midnight Offerings”. It’s a 1981 film that I must have caught sometime by replay in the late 80’s while I was home from school “sick”. I was prone to stomach issues and found myself having to camp out on my grandmother’s couch often. After seeing this movie I knew I had to get to the library and begin researching everything I could where witchcraft was concerned. There was no turning back.
As a teenager, I discovered “new age” stores and had to figure out how to get to them. This was the early 90’s, we didn’t have Uber yet. I was thankful to have a couple of friends that were also curious and so we’d check the Yellow Pages (yep!) and venture out to Pompano and Fort Lauderdale seeking the weird and wondrous. The adventures were pure magic. Stores had odd hours, they all smelled like incense, the same purple tapestries hanging in each one. The disappointment was that it was rare to find someone working who would stop to engage us. On my own I found the book, “Wiccacraft” by Gerina Dunwhich. It was the beginning of my self-education. Afterwords I was led to H.P. Laurie Cabot, Scott Cunningham, Silver Ravenwolf, Alex and Maxine Sanders and the list goes on and on.
To say that my mom had no idea what I was up to was an understatement, but I was never hesitant to let her know that I insistent on trying something new. Particularly as I approached my freshman year. I had survived 8 years of Catholic school and was finally about to start attending a public high school. At 16, I earned my own money from babysitting and part-time jobs, and bought my first tarot card deck. That terrified her, but again, I was not deterred. I believe that she always thought I would grow out of it, that I was rebelling. Little did she know that it was gonna stick.
Shortly after midnight, on January 25, 1995, I engaged in a ritual, a rite dedicating myself to the Goddess. From then on, I held my tarot cards and pentacle necklace close to my heart. Of course, I could never be public about it. I had no one like me in my circle except for one of my friends that I met in high school (that remains to this day my best friend). I could only be my true self around Hayley and a small circle of girls I knew. It was en vogue in the mid 90’s to be into witchcraft because of the 1996 classic, The Craft. However, by the time that had come out I was already well on my way. It was incredibly self-affirming to see girls my age, practicing magic (albeit insanely dramatized) and being their authentic selves. It was incredible but I also saw how the public reacted. Satanic panic was alive and well. I kept to the shadows. There have been times where I strayed, where I doubted myself or worse, where I denied my practice to fit someone’s mold. Throughout my life some people figured it out along the way, some are probably still oblivious or think I’m just playing a role. Many have accepted me for who I am. Curious but cautious, I think. No matter what, I will continue to work towards being my authentic self. Perhaps not as aggressively as Nancy did but certainly inspired by her (haha).
I am grateful that the people who get me are unafraid (maybe afraid in a healthy way?), accepting and encouraging. More over this venture is about giving seekers a safe place to land. A place to be curious, to ask questions and to venture out on their own journey. I want to help witches of all ages to see me and this space as a trusted source. Not a guru, not a leader - an ally, a friend. I want to be the witch I should have met in one of those occult shops 30 years ago.
As I reflect on this journey I am proud to say with confidence, it was NEVER just a phase.
